NSFW but I really hate whoever invented “fleshlights”, because that is SUCH a misleading name for a product that produces no illumination. What are you gonna do if there’s a monster under your bed? You grab your flashlight but oh, whoops, you grabbed your fleshlight by mistake. Better hope your monster is easily scandalized ‘cause that thing isn’t built for emitting light OR inflicting blunt trauma.
1517: Martin Luther posts his Ninety-five Theses on the door of the All Saints’ Church in Wittenburg, destroying the Catholic Church’s stronghold and changing the landscape of religion and information forever
2017: Ashurbanipal IV (The Great) posts his Ninety-two Logical Fallacies on YouTube, destroying StalinMouse2003’s Deviantart Bernie comic with one hour of PURE CARTEISAN LOGIC
Kirk: How would you like your coffee?
Bones: As dark and bitter as my soul.
Kirk: One glass of milk coming up.
I’m reading this Jacobean pamphlet called (and bear with me here) Hic Mulier; or, The Man-Woman: Being a Medicine to cure the Coltish Disease of the Staggers in the Masculine-Feminines of our Times, and it’s basically this anonymous author losing his shit over the fashion trend of women dressing ‘masculine’ in early 1600s London.
I imagined that these costumes would be rather Shakespearean in style, where women just cross-dressed and adopted men’s clothing, but the real fashion is much better. The author describes women in broad-brimmed hats with jaunty feathers in them, French doublets unbuttoned to reveal naked breasts (!), bobbed hair, and a sword. Sometimes he speaks of skirts, sometimes breeches – trousers are optional in this ‘masculine’ ensemble, and ruffs could also be worn.
It seems odd to me that a woman can have her tiddies out and wear skirts but still be considered unnaturally masculine, but it seems part of the horror came from their attitudes. These weren’t fainting modest maidens – these were armed, uncompromising women, carrying daggers or swords as they pleased, and wearing whatever the hell they wanted. O these times! O these customs! How will we recover from this wanton degeneracy, our author cries! Back in MY DAY women were MODEST. Men were men and women were women! What’s to become of this sinful generation! (Interestingly, there’s a follow-up pamphlet called the Haec Vir which addresses the phenomenon of foppish or feminine men, but I haven’t read that yet.)
So there you go. In Jacobean London, armed women were walking the streets with their tiddies out, sometimes rocking skirts, sometimes breeches, and with feathers bouncing in their big ol’ hats. The sword lesbians of yesteryear, I’m almost tempted to say. That’s one fashion I’d bring back.
I know many of you out there are feeling a bit down. Have a crow to Wouldn’t it be Nice by the Beach Boys to lift your mood.
And you just know that right around the corner that crow got into his faded orange VW Kombi van with the surfboards strapped on top and hit the beach.
This crow is 100% fucking around for no reason other than to fuck around. Birds have two main gaits depending on where they live – they put one foot in front of the other if they live on the ground, or they hop if they live in the trees. Crows live on the ground, and thus walk. They have no reason to hop like this, and they aren’t wired or built to move like this naturally. They might hop to quickly avoid danger that’s very limited, like a car tire coming at them, or to get up onto the curb, but this sort of motion has no purpose other than being fun.
Leaving tungle.hell like rats on the Titanic 