hp reread v: a bunch of losers, basically, cont.

fraeuleinjuhu:

queerpotters:

• i’d completely forgotten about the cupid dwarf rugby tackling harry to the ground to sing a valentine at him. i had also apparently forgotten everyone’s A+ reactions to this, which include harry “losing his head” and trying to make a run for it before draco hears the valentine, the dwarf sitting on harry’s ankles to stop him from escaping and the crowd “CRYING WITH MIRTH”. but do you know what i really want to know??? how the hell did draco malfoy hold it together when everyone around him was literally weeping with laughter??? i have thought long and hard about this, and come to the conclusion that the singing valentine is to draco as draco-as-ferret is to ron. draco doesn’t collapse with laughter when he hears harry’s singing valentine because he’s ascended to another plane. he has transcended hilarity. this is the best thing that has ever happened to him and he is going to be calm enough to fix it perfectly in his memory forever, by god!
• i know i said that my favourite thing about the chamber of secrets is that harry calls draco his archenemy, but i’m going to have to eat my words. my favourite thing about the chamber of secrets is that, for a good seventy pages, JKR lets you think that ginny walked in on percy wanking. percy trying to talk his way around it when he thinks ginny is going to tell harry and ron is pure gold and i am, frankly, devastated that JKR felt the need to RUIN this ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS mental image by announcing that percy has a secret girlfriend. i would have been happy thinking that ginny caught percy wanking forever. it would have flitted to the forefront of all our minds every time percy talked about cauldron bottoms or mr crouch or how harry was liar and his whole family were deluded rebels. like alright perce, but your sister saw you tossing off. what now big man
• picture this: hogwarts is in complete disarray. someone is petrifying muggleborns and harry is hearing voices in the walls. the chamber of secrets is open. harry’s best friend’s sister has just been taken by the heir of slytherin. harry has climbed into a dirty sink pipe, narrowly missed having his memory modified, survived the ceiling caving in, and has finally made into the chamber itself. ginny weasley is passed out on the floor, and a strange projection of a boy harry knows went to hogwarts 50 years ago is being irritatingly cryptic and has appeared to have nicked harry’s wand. and what does harry james potter, hero of this eponymous tale, think to himself??? “there was something very funny going on here” 
• needless to say i spent a good deal of my chamber of secrets reread looking directly into the camera like i was on the office
• i’ve already mentioned how fantastic i this it is that salazar slytherin decided to hide the entrance to chamber of secrets in a girls’ loo, but something has occurred to me that is even funnier: voldemort going down the sink slide. 16 y/o tom riddle frowning profusely and whizzing down a sewer pipe with murder in his heart is possibly the funniest mental image i have ever had. this may even trump percy weasley wanking like a demon
• speaking of tom riddle, his diary horcrux self tells harry that he started using the name Lord Voldemort at hogwarts among his most intimate friends, and that is the best shit i have ever heard. can you imagine how that conversation went? how do you react to one of your mates asking to be referred to as LORD FLIGHT OF DEATH? send him to therapy sessions at st mungo’s? drag him up to the hospital wing because he’s obviously been hit by a Dickhead Spell??? did they call him “Lord Voldemort” all the time, or did they abbreviate it to Lord? “Lord, can you pass me the mash?” “Lord, can you proofread this charms essay for me??” combine this with him going to cutesy little dinners with slughorn and buying him sweets to suck up and you can bet most of hogwarts thought Lord Voldemort was a right fucking knob 

why is nobody talking about the fact that ron is a colossal idiot who 

• breaks his wand
• spends the better part of the school-year failing to perform magic with his BROKEN WAND
• LIKE WE’RE TALKING ‘FLIES OUT OF HIS HAND AND HITS FLITWICK IN THE FOREHEAD’-KAPUTT WAND
• IT MADE HIM PUKE SLUGS FOR GOD’S SAKE
• and then manages to catch A PERFECTLY GOOD WAND FROM LOCKHEART
• AND PROCEEDS TO THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW

A+ THINKING RON